Wednesday, July 31, 2013

My Fictional Grandparents – Morocco 1947

Source: The New York Times

By Laila Lalami
28lives_author-articleInline-v2

My mother was abandoned in a French orphanage in Fez in 1941. That year in Morocco, hundreds of people died in an outbreak of the plague; her parents were among the victims. Actually, no, they died in a horrific car crash on the newly built road from Marrakesh to Fez. No, no, no, my grandmother died in childbirth, and my grandfather, mad with grief, gave the baby away. The truth is: I don’t know how my mother ended up in a French orphanage in 1941. The nuns in black habits never told.

Growing up in Rabat, I felt lopsided, like a seesaw no one ever played with. On my father’s side: a large number of uncles, cousins, second cousins, grandaunts, all claiming descent from the Prophet Muhammad. On my mother’s side: nothing. No one. Often I imagined my mother’s parents, the man and woman whose blood pulsed in my veins but whom I had never seen.

I would have called them Ba-sidi and Mi-lalla. Like my paternal grandfather, Ba-sidi would have been old but active. He would have retired from a career in the police and spent his days performing El Melhun, Moroccan sung poetry, with his friends. Like my paternal grandmother, Mi-lalla would have worn long, rustling caftans, in which I would have sought refuge every time I got into trouble. She would have taught me all her herbal cures and hennaed my hands before each Eid.

My mother did not take part in these fictions. She spoke little about her childhood in the orphanage. Sometimes she hummed a French lullaby that one of the nuns taught her. I went to sleep on many a night to the sound of “Au clair de la lune” or “Fais dodo, Colas.” But other times, a wave of resentment welled within her, and she would describe being forced to eat on a dirty table from which chickens were allowed to feed. Naturally I developed an early and lifelong affinity for literary orphans, like Oliver Twist and Jane Eyre. Later, when I became a novelist, orphans and abandoned children turned up in my work, unbidden.

On my birthday in February, my husband and I were drinking our morning coffee when he slipped a small box across the kitchen table. Inside was a DNA test kit. “You can use it to find out more about your mom,” he said.

“But what if this company sells my genetic data?” I asked.

“You can find out more about your mom.”

“Like, to an insurance company. Or even a government agency. What about that?”

“You can find out more about your mom!”

Optimism, that peculiar American trait — it was impossible to resist it. So I sent a saliva sample, and six weeks later, my results were ready. My health profile listed a series of traits that made me smile with recognition. I had long ago given up drinking milk; now I found out that I was most likely lactose-intolerant. I had always assumed that my strong stomach was attributable to a third-world childhood; it turned out I had a natural resistance to norovirus. But the profile had sobering news too: I had an elevated risk of coronary heart disease and Alzheimer’s disease. No one on my father’s side of the family had heart problems or dementia. They might have come from my mother’s family.

Finally, I opened the ancestry report. My maternal line was K, a haplogroup commonly found among populations of the Near East, Europe and North Africa. The test also identified relatives on my maternal side: distant cousins in Finland, France and the United States. Their locations intrigued me. How had the descendants of my mother’s relatives ended up in such far-flung places?

Or was my mother the one from a far-flung place? After all, she was born in the middle of a world war, when refugees were fleeing in all directions. Perhaps her parents were displaced and ended up in Morocco, where they had to begin new lives. It would have been difficult, in such times, to care for a newborn.

So it was that, in just a few moments, I found myself returning to those childhood days when I used to dream up different families, and different fates, for my mother. What science gave me, in the end, was no different from what my own imagination had fed me for many years — stories. The search was not over. The search would never be over. And not even science could help fill out the abyss I grew up with. Only stories could.


Laila Lalami is the author of “Secret Son.” Her new novel, “The Moor’s Account,” will be published by Penguin Random House in 2014.

Eli, Inspiring Boy With Autism, Gives Brave 6th Grade Graduation Speech

Worth and Reposted from: Huffington Post - Impact


On Thursday, HuffPost Good News asked its Facebook readers, "Who inspires you to be a better person?"

We got several amazing answers. But the one that stood out was Shannon Rosenberg's, who simply wrote "My son," and attached a video.

In it, her son Eli, who has autism, gives an inspiring graduation speech to his 6th grade classmates.

He talks about his journey at Pinetree Elementary School -- going from severe difficulty with social skills to being able to stand on stage and give a speech. By the end of the speech, you'll want to join the crowd in their standing ovation.

He says:

As we leave here today I have a challenge for all of you. We are all different. Not less, just different. We all have things we're good at, things we need to work on, and things we need help with. Whenever you see someone else who is different, instead of just judging them or being a bully, I challenge you to offer help and treat that person with the kindness you have shown me over the last six years. Remember, all of you can make a difference in someone's life. You've already made a difference in mine.

Way to go, Eli!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Armenians and The San Francisco Treat: I Knew There Was a Reason I Always Loved Rice-A-Roni!!!

Source: NPR/The Kitchen Sisters July 31, 2008

Listen to the story.

rice_200-5ccd6739ea345bee5edb9809af256f439b2e895a-s3
The 1967 Rice-A-Roni ad campaign on the San Francisco cable car.
Todd Lappin/TelstarLogistics

Nikki sat down next to this story at an NPR event where we played our Hidden Kitchen episode "The Birth of the Frito," about the origin of the iconic corn chip. At the dinner, Lois DeDemenico, 80, told Nikki that she had been part of the birth of Rice-A-Roni.

Lois began to tell a story about San Francisco in the 1940s and the convergence of a Canadian immigrant bride, an Italian-American pasta family, and a survivor of the Armenian genocide – all of which led to the creation of "The San Francisco Treat."

We followed Lois, a philanthropist and widow of Tom DeDomenico, one of the founders of Golden Grain Macaroni Co., to her home in Oakland, Calif., to chronicle this hidden kitchen.

rice_captanian200-0d4185c917f3063afdf2eece12ba0552a9e4b3b6-s3
The Captanian family in New York in 1921: Pailadzo, Gilbert, Aram and Herant.
Courtesy of Captanian Family

Lois had long ago lost touch with Pailadzo Captanian, the woman who in the 1940s had taught her to make Armenian rice pilaf — the recipe that would inspire her husband's family to create a side dish that gave Kraft Macaroni & Cheese a run for its money in the 1950s, when rice was rarely found on the American dinner table.

We began searching for the family of Pailadzo Captanian and found her grandson, Ted, who came bearing a translated version of the unique memoir his grandmother wrote of her harrowing exodus from Armenia, a pile of photographs, and a family pilaf recipe passed down from "Grandma Cap."

Mrs. Captanian's Kitchen

rice_lois200-82a185c26ecb7833062c53e1793901c2f1d3df17-s3
Tom and Lois DeDomenico in San Francisco, shortly after their marriage.
Courtesy of Lois DeDomenico

Lois grew up in Edmonton, Canada, and met her husband, Tom, in San Francisco in 1944. Tom's father, an immigrant from Italy, had a pasta company in San Francisco, where Tommy worked with his brothers.

There was very little housing available in San Francisco after World War II. So when Mrs. Captanian advertised a room to rent, Lois and Tom moved in with her.

"Mrs. Captanian, I had a liking for her right away. So we moved in. Tommy would work until about 7 o'clock at the pasta factory and I was alone a lot," Lois said. "I was only 18 and I was pregnant. And I had kitchen privileges. Well, I really wasn't much of a cook. And here was this Armenian lady, probably about 70 years [old], making yogurt on the back of the stove, all day, every day. I didn't even know what the word 'yogurt' meant."

Mrs. Captanian taught Lois how to make paklava (baklava), soups and her specialty, Armenian pilaf.

"We would bring her Golden Grain vermicelli from the factory," Lois said. "She wanted us to break it as small as rice if we could."

During those long kitchen afternoons, Lois listened as Mrs. Captanian told her life story — about the Armenian genocide, her husband's death, the separation from her two young boys and her trek from Turkey to Syria in 1915, along with thousands of other women and children who had been deported. Mrs. Captanian chronicled these events in her 1919 book, Memoires D'une Deportee.

'This Would Be Great In A Box'

When the DeDomenicos moved into a place of their own, Lois often cooked Mrs. Captanian's Armenian pilaf. At a family dinner one evening, after a long day at the pasta factory, Tom's brother Vince stared at his dish of pilaf and said, "This would be great in a box."

Golden Grain had a test kitchen at the factory. It took three or four years to adapt the recipe for one-pot cooking.

"There were not many packaged side dishes in the market in 1955," said Dennis DeDomenico, Tom and Lois' son. "Everything was being geared toward less time in the kitchen. Major appliances like dishwashers and garbage disposals were starting to come in. The convenience factor was everything."

All that was missing was a name.

"We said, 'Well, what is the product? The product is rice and macaroni. Why don't we call it Rice-A-Roni?' Didn't quite sound right. Who'd ever heard of rice and macaroni being together? Still, the name had a ring to it," Tom DeDomenico said, in an oral history recorded by the Bancroft Library in 1988.

Memoirs Of Pailadzo Captanian

Following the story, we were able to find Mrs. Captanian's grandson, Ted, who works as a contractor in Novato, Calif., north of San Francisco.

"We called her Grandma Cap," Ted said. "She baby-sat us when we were 4 or 5 years old. She'd always be wanting to cook us stuffed grape leaves, paklava, rice pilaf."

Ted's father was born during the Armenian deportation trek in 1915. Pailadzo Captanian walked for months, pregnant and with little food and water, until she reached Aleppo, Syria. There, she gave birth to Ted's father.

Meline Pehlivanian, a specialist on Armenia and Turkey at the Berlin State Library, stumbled upon Captanian's memoir 15 years ago.

"It is a rare book, because we have very [few] eyewitness accounts of this time," Pehlivanian said. "Most accounts were written 30 or 40 years after the events." The volume was published in French, the language Mrs. Captanian wrote in.

In 1919, Mrs. Captanian was reunited with her two other sons; she had entrusted them to a Greek family before her deportation. The family then moved to the United States, where she worked as a seamstress, sewing draperies for President Franklin D. Roosevelt's Hyde Park home in New York. She put her boys through school and, after World War II, she moved to San Francisco, where Ted's father had settled.

A Culinary Melting Pot

Ted Captanian remembers seeing the Rice-A-Roni commercials on television as a child.

"Every time we heard that jingle, my father would say, 'You know your grandmother gave a rice recipe to the people who started that company. So every time you hear it, think of her,' " Ted said. "To be honest, we kind of thought — could that possibly be true? Could this iconic American dish actually be attributed to some recipe my grandmother gave years ago?"

Lois says she still makes pilaf the way Captanian taught her.

"The impact she had on me and my life," Lois said. "I only lived there four months, but it was four months that brought all these things together: myself from Canada; Tommy, Italian; Mrs. Captanian, Armenian. All that converging in San Francisco in 1946, and out of that comes Rice-A-Roni."

Pailadzo Captanian's Rice Pilaf

July 30, 2008 7:19 PM

Ingredients

Rice Mixture:

  • 7/8 cup long grain white rice
  • 1/8 cup fideo capellini crushed into small pieces
  • ½ cube butter
  • ½ large onion, chopped
  • ½ 4.5 oz jar sliced "Green Giant" mushrooms packed in water and drained. (mushrooms can be substituted with any other canned mushrooms.)
  • 1 tbsp pine nuts

Broth:

  • 2 ½ cups boiling water
  • 2 ½ chicken bouillon cubes
  • ½ tbsp dried parsley flakes
  • Salt and pepper to taste.
  • (The broth should taste somewhat salty before it is added to rice mixture)

Pailadzo Captanian's rice pilaf is a favorite dish at Captanian family gatherings. She passed her pilaf recipe down to her daughter-in-law Mellie Captanian in the late 1940s. In 1965, Jacqueline Captanian, who was then dating Mellie's son Barry, asked for the recipe for Barry's favorite dish: rice pilaf.

Jacqueline and Barry Captanian have now been married for 40 years. In that time, Jacqueline says, she perfected the dish to the point that it became her job to make it for all their family gatherings.

"We are not sure if Pailadzo included mushrooms or pine nuts in her version of this recipe, but the following is the way I learned it from Mellie in 1965," Jacqueline Captanian said.

Directions:

Melt the butter over medium high flame in a medium sauce pan and add rice and fideo cappellini and stir constantly, cooking until it starts to turn golden.

Add chopped onion and cook until almost clear.

Add mushrooms and pine nuts.

Stir constantly over medium high flame, until the mixture is golden brown with dark flecks of fideo capellini.

Meanwhile, make broth by heating water to boiling and adding bouillon cubes, parsley flakes, salt and pepper (you can heat this in the microwave or on the stove)

Stir to dissolve the bouillon.

Add boiling broth to browned rice mixture, (note: broth /rice mixture should taste slightly salty), return to a bowl, stir once, and cover, then turn down the hat to a low simmer. Do not lift the cover for 35 minutes.

Remove from the heat, fluff with a fork; let rest until ready to serve.

P.S. Cover pan with a cloth to keep warm (If I am traveling with the rice over a period of several hours, I wrap the pan in several beach towels and it will stay nice and warm).

P.P.S To double the recipe: Use 7/8 cube butter; 4 7/8 cups water and 5 chicken bouillon cubes and cook rice for 37 minutes. (You can double all the other ingredients).

If you follow these directions exactly, you should have a perfect pilaf every time. But avoid the urge to peek at the cooking rice. Lifting the cover during cooking will affect the texture and fluffiness of the dish.

About The Music

July 30, 2008 7:47 PM

The process of finding music for these Hidden Kitchen stories always has some twists. I went to return a record to TV producer and record collector Harry Bernstein and was met at the door by him, his mother-in-law, and his dog, Anoush — it means "sweet" in Armenian, he told me. I started telling them about the Birth of Rice-A-Roni and its Armenian pilaf roots. Harry told me his mother-in-law is Armenian, and is always making yogurt. He also said he had a pile of Armenian records we could borrow for the story.

On another front, we had recently been gathering music for our Parsi Hidden Kitchen story, Sugar in the Milk, and we'd been listening to a lot of exquisite Persian music from the World Village collection. The song "Mama," from Endless Vision, a collaboration between the Armenian duduk player Djivan Gasparyan and Hossein Alizadeh, was especially haunting, but there was no place for it in Niloufer King's piece. In this story, it fit like a glove.

Record producer and world music archivist, Joe Boyd, also had a deep stack of Armenian music for us to cull through. "Tears of Dignity" and "Uscila" by Arto Tuncboyaciyan both come from his collection of 30,000 records.

While digging around for songs for the Italian-American pasta part of this story, like the crazy organ solo in Rosemary Clooney's Mambo Italiano, we discovered that novelist William Saroyan and fellow Armenian Ross Bagdasarian (who later created The Chipmunks), wrote "Come On-a My House," based on an old Armenian children's rhyme.

As the song goes: "Come on a My House, I'm gonna give you candy. Come on a my house, I'm gonna give a you apple a plum and apricot-a too...Figs and dates and grapes and cakes...marriage ring and a pomegranate too ah..."

Story Credits

Produced by The Kitchen Sisters (Nikki Silva & Davia Nelson) in collaboration with Laura Folger, Nathan Dalton, and interns, Alessandra Wollner and Eloise Melzer. Mixed by Jim McKee.

Web Resources

Monday, July 29, 2013

South Africa Program Announcement

th Hopscotch Adoptions, Inc is pleased announce a pilot network South Africa program in partnership with Spence-Chapin! Spence-Chapin is one of three agencies worldwide that has been accredited by the South Africa government to place South African children into permanent and loving families. Hopscotch will be working exclusively with North Carolina families ready to develop a dossier, to be registered in South Africa’s re-structured and Hague compliant adoption program. 
Want to get started today?  You’ll want to click here to get your home study underway immediately.  Want to learn more about Spence-Chapin's South Africa placing program click here.

Attention North Carolina and New York Host Families!

If you are thinking about hosting a child this summer, you'll need a host family assessment.  Click here to get your assessment started today!

Host Programs: What are they all about?

Worthy and Reposted from: Rainbow Kids/Martha Osborne

th Host programs allow specific children to travel during holidays to the USA and stay with families for a summer or winter 'fun experience'. The hosting families are screened carefully, and many of them are hosting a child with the hope that they will eventually adopt that child. 
Families are asked not to talk about adoption in front of the child, and let the experience be a positive, holiday time for the hosted child. Hosted children MUST return to their original countries after the holiday period.  Some children stay with 'host only' families, who do not intend to eventually adopt.  Quietly, the host family and group leaders reach out to other screened-families who are interested in adopting an older child.  Over the years, I have seen hundreds of older children, once thought to be 'unadoptable' due to their age, enter into loving families."Curtis", pictured above, is a 'host only' child who is in Virginia until August 6th. He and 2 other young boys need families. If you are considering the adoption of an older child, and are willing to travel to meet Curtis and the other hosted boys, please contact  pgancie@cradlehope.org to learn more.  This will still be an international adoption, and the children will return to their orphanages after August 6th. Hopefully families will be found before they leave!

--Martha Osborne of Rainbow Kids

Both Ends Burning

Both Ends Burning: "We are happy to provide you a link to the recording of yesterday's July Stakeholder's Call.  Craig was able to share some exciting new developments with all who participated.  Please feel free to share this link with your friends and networks.  We are looking forward to continuing the conversation and helping more orphans find families!"

Is It An Adoption Thing- Register Today

Source: Adoption Learning Partners

6de11597e6d2aa67332be811cd961c79 August, 7th 2013
7:00 PM Central
Q&A: 8:00 PM

Click here to register.

When your child exhibits challenging or frustrating behaviors, do you struggle to determine when to point to adoption and when to assume it's just kid's stuff?

Because many families face the difficult task of sorting out if behaviors and challenges are adoption related or not, we've asked an expert to help!

Join Dr. Gregory Keck, Director of the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio, as he discusses the impact of adoption and trauma on child development.

This webinar will:

  • Discuss common challenging behaviors adopted children may exhibit
  • Offer real life examples and suggestions for handling these behaviors
    Examine effective and ineffective parenting tools.

Colombia Program Announcement

th Hopscotch Adoptions, Inc is pleased announce a pilot network Colombia program in partnership with Spence-Chapin! Spence-Chapin is one of very few agencies worldwide that has been accredited by the Colombian government to place Colombian children into permanent and loving families.  Hopscotch will be working exclusively with North Carolina families ready to develop a dossier, to be registered in Colombia’s re-structured and Hague compliant adoption program. 

Want to get started today?  You’ll want to click here to get your home study underway immediately.  Want to learn more about Spence-Chapin's Colombia placing program click here.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Alert: USCIS Issuing Redesigned Certificates of Citizenship

th On Aug. 5, 2013-- USCIS will start issuing redesigned certificates including:

  • Form N-578, Special Certificate of Naturalization;
  • Form N-645, Certificate of Citizenship (Posthumous);
  • Form N-645A, Certificate of Citizenship (Posthumous).

The redesigned certificates feature state-of-the-art technology to deter counterfeiting, prevent tampering, and allow for quick and accurate authentication.

These improvements are part of USCIS’s ongoing efforts to produce secure documents and enhance the integrity of the immigration system. Since 2010, USCIS has redesigned:

  • Form N-550, Certificate of Naturalization; 
  • Form N-560, Certificate of Citizenship;
  • Form I-765, Employment Authorization Document; 
  • Form N-561, Replacement Certificate of Citizenship; and 
  • Form N-570, Replacement Certificate of Naturalization.

All of the redesigned forms include enhanced security features. USCIS will continue to make enhancements as technology improves.

Although the look and feel of the documents is new, the process of applying for and receiving them will not change. Previously issued certificates will remain valid.

Why Kybele?

Source: Larry Hatteberg

This is an organization I am so very proud to serve as a member of the board and former team member to Georgia and Armenia. I hope you'll find time to view this video and learn more about my friend Dr. Medge Owen and Kybele!

September 2010 - Award winning videographer, Larry Hatteberg, traveled to Ghana with Kybele to highlight the work of Dr. Medge Owen and the Kybele Team. This video was part of a two-part series shown on local Kansas television.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Attention North Carolina and New York Host Families!

If you are thinking about hosting a child this summer, you'll need a host family assessment.  Click here to get your assessment started today!

Host Programs: What are they all about?

Worthy and Reposted from: Rainbow Kids/Martha Osborne

th Host programs allow specific children to travel during holidays to the USA and stay with families for a summer or winter 'fun experience'. The hosting families are screened carefully, and many of them are hosting a child with the hope that they will eventually adopt that child. 
Families are asked not to talk about adoption in front of the child, and let the experience be a positive, holiday time for the hosted child. Hosted children MUST return to their original countries after the holiday period.  Some children stay with 'host only' families, who do not intend to eventually adopt.  Quietly, the host family and group leaders reach out to other screened-families who are interested in adopting an older child.  Over the years, I have seen hundreds of older children, once thought to be 'unadoptable' due to their age, enter into loving families."Curtis", pictured above, is a 'host only' child who is in Virginia until August 6th. He and 2 other young boys need families. If you are considering the adoption of an older child, and are willing to travel to meet Curtis and the other hosted boys, please contact  pgancie@cradlehope.org to learn more.  This will still be an international adoption, and the children will return to their orphanages after August 6th. Hopefully families will be found before they leave!

--Martha Osborne of Rainbow Kids

Rex's Together Forever Day Anniversary #2

By: Viviane Martini

clip_image001[6]Two years ago today, we took Rex out of the orphanage forever.  I think he knew even then that he was beginning to rule a kingdom requiring a great overhaul which only he could bring about.  The kingdom needed more challenging work for its inhabitants, more patience, more chaos, more flexibility, more courage.  It could do with more laughter and more tears, more noise, more appreciation of the little things, and so much more love.  King Rex set about his work instantly with considerable dedication and in two years has managed to not only change us, but also himself.

Rex is more than a long list of complex diagnoses and bleak prognoses.  He is a little boy with thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses.  What makes him so special to us is hard to put into words, but here are some of the things we love about our Armenian treasure:

clip_image001

When Rex wakes up in the morning, he climbs into our bed and makes sure he gets his snuggles in.

Rex will eat just about anything on a sandwich or a cracker/chip.

The roughest skin on Rex's body is on his palms.

Rex is a guys' guy.

When he's ready to fall asleep, Rex pulls the blanket over his head and is almost instantly out.

Rex loves music, climbing, jumping, and banging stuff.

clip_image002Rex distinguishes between his parents and the rest of the world.

Rex is all boy, skinned knees, bruises, boogers, sticky hands, sweaty hair, and able to turn any object into a weapon.

Rex's smile stretches from ear to ear and his laughter peals through our life like a priceless reward.

Rex is curious about how things work.

Rex has toy magic.

Rex is confident and strong.

Happy Together Forever Day, my Armenian love.  You are a miracle

Read more about the Martini life with two here.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ’s): Our Adoption

Worthy and Reposted from: My Life as a Trauma Mama

by "Trauma Mama T" on January 26, 2012

http://traumamamat.blogspot.com/2012/01/frequently-asked-questions-faqs-our.html

th An aside before I begin:  Many thanks to the reader who pinned (on Pinterest.com) my recent post about trauma and the young child’s brain.  This has made many more people aware of the effects of early childhood abuse and neglect, as my blog was read this week by several people who would not have sought a “trauma mama” blog out on their own.  Feel free to share this blog on Pinterest.com or other sites such as Facebook, Twitter, etc.  Okay, now for the post:

My husband and one of our college-aged sons visited a local, older lady recently.  We do not know her.  My guys were there to help her with a specific need.  Anyway, in that process, Hubby shared that two of our children were adopted from Eastern Europe.  Older Lady was very interested in this.  She thought it was “wonderful.”  She told my husband he was “a good person.”  Then, she pointed to our son and asked, “Is THIS one of THEM?”  Son told me he nearly peed his pants trying to hold in the laughter.  When he got outside and into our car, he and Hubby burst out laughing.  It wasn’t funny, but it really was, because we get strange questions and comments all the time about our adoption.  It is amazing how many of those strange comments and questions happen right in front of our children’s faces. 

“How old were they when you got them?” (12 and 9.  Why do you ask?) “Which ones are the adopted kids?” (Why do you ask? -- And by the way, some of my children were adopted.  Adoption happens to be how they entered our family.  It does not define their state of being.) “Do they speak English?”  (They understand every word you’re saying.) “How are they adjusting?” (Well.  Why do you ask?) “Do they have psychological problems?” (Why do you ask?) “Do they have any diseases?” (Why do you ask?) “What happened to their real parents?”  (You mean their biological parents.  Why do you ask?) “Why were they given up?” (You mean why were they placed for adoption.  Why do you ask?) “Why did they have to go to an orphanage?” (Why do you ask?)  “How much did it cost?”  (Why do you ask?) “Are you going to send them back when they are older?”  (Um, really?  I still don’t have a kind answer for that one.  Let me know, dear reader, if you have a good comeback for that one.)  “Are they U.S. citizens?” (Yes.) “Has it affected your real children?” (You mean my biological children.  Yes, it’s affected them deeply.  They would like to adopt some day, too.) “What did your parents think?” (My parents weren’t involved in the decision to add any of our children to our family, but they love all their grandchildren.  Why do you ask?)

I answer a lot of questions with, “Why do you ask?”  I do this because some people ask questions simply to satisfy their curiosity.  Afterall, adoption is not “normal.”  People are curious about it.  However, some people ask because they are exploring the idea of adoption for their own family.  I want to be especially sensitive to those who may become adoptive parents themselves.  For the curious, I want to be kind whenever possible.  Most are well-meaning people, even if they are clueless, like Older Lady.

Positive Adoption Language

There are plenty of charts and articles on the web that deal with positive adoption language, so I won’t go into depth here.  I’m going to assume anyone reading this blog knows how to use Google or some other search engine.  What I will do is give you a chart below, showing common language vs. language more appropriate when talking about, or asking questions about, adoption.  Feel free to print it out or copy and paste it to your own blog:

Common Language

0707df4c3a39985db9ab8d49a854e957

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

What Kind of Therapy Should We Use?

Worthy and Reposted from: My Life as a Trauma Mama

by "Trauma Mama T" on March 9, 2012

http://traumamamat.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-kind-of-therapy-should-we-use.html

puzzle One of the questions I often hear is, “What KIND of therapy should we use to help our child?”  My answer is always, “I don’t know.”  (Real helpful, huh?)  The thing is, I don’t believe any ONE therapy will help.  Our kids’ “stuff” starts at different places and different ages.  Trauma that happens early (and often) is often much more difficult to treat therapeutically than trauma which happens when a child is older. 

When I started trying to sort through all the therapy options 4.5 years ago, it seemed everyone I knew was singing the praises of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control (BCLC).  This method was started by Bryan Post (who calls himself “Dr.” but does not hold a doctoral degree from any accredited institution -- only an online and now defunct diploma mill, and who was disciplined by the state of Oklahoma in 2007) and Heather Forbes, LCSWC (who has distanced herself from Post and now runs BCLC without him).  I read all the BCLC books.  I read articles on Forbe’s website.  I learned techniques from other parents who’d attended her trainings.  However, some of the BCLC stuff was easily manipulated by my very smart kids.  Besides, my kids NEEDED to feel as though someone was in “control.”  They’d had to control too much in their lives, too early.  They needed the direction of an authoritative parent.  (Notice I did not use the word, “authoritarian.”  Authoritarian parenting results in rebellion and steps backward in the healing process.  Authoritative parenting lets the child know who is in charge, and gives them a sense of safety, consistency, and protection.  My kids need that.)  In short, BCLC had some things that worked, and some things that didn’t.

We have used a lot of play therapy and family therapy (and play therapy as family therapy).  These methods have helped a lot with attachment.  It is SO important to find a therapist who really knows about attachment and trauma.  Activities such as playing games and using sand trays have helped us find breakthroughs for both The Princess and Youngest Son.  For example, our therapist uses the game “Sorry” and adds some rules of her own.  If we get a “1,” we get out onto the board, but only if we say something good that’s happened since our last session.  If we get a “2,” we have to say something that concerns us.  If we get a “3” we have to say something that our family does together that we like, etc.  These games almost always never go on very long before our kids are working, without ever feeling (terribly) pressured to “go there.”  This method helps us deal with specific issues, using Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) methods.  It is the method by which I’ve learned the most in how to BE a therapeutic parent for my kids.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a very traditional therapy.  We use it a little bit, but only when things are going well.  When things hurt, and when a kid is dealing with trauma stored in the emotional part of their brain (amygdala), it’s nearly impossible to process things in the front part of their brain where cognition happens.  Still, it’s a therapy that has helped my kids feel as though they have some control over their lives -- when things are going well.

As I’ve written in earlier posts, for Youngest Son, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is the therapy that has changed his world (and ours).  However, this type of therapy would not have been possible with him even a year ago.  It is really just this school year that he’s matured enough, and has become stable enough on his medications, that he WANTS to change the way he responds to things.  Because DBT emphasizes responsibility for one’s own “stuff,” it was able to move him into a place where he could work cognitively and truly “own” his response to the things that trigger him.  It is only in recognizing that he DOES have PTSD, and that there ARE things that trigger him, that he is able to grasp hold of those triggers and change his behavior.

There are a lot of other things we’ve tried, as well, including “out-crazying the crazy.”  (Which is fun!)  We’ve even used (gasp!) traditional parenting methods in our therapeutic approach.  Like any of the above, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  In my experience, raising hurt kids is a very fluid enterprise.

I found a PDF which may be helpful to some.  It describes various therapy methods in very basic terms and is a good introduction to the world of therapy.  You can find it HERE.  It might serve as a conversation starter when talking to a potential therapist for your family.  There are also lists of questions to ask available on various blogs and websites.  One good list is HERE.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Youth Dance and Songs Ensemble "Golden Gates" Concert in Raleigh!

Georgian%20dancer%20male%202013 We are inviting you to Family Cultural Program with Dances and Songs from Russia, Georgia and Kazakhstan!

Wednesday, July 24th at 7:30pm
All Saints Antiochian Orthodox Church
520 Buck Jones Rd., Raleigh NC
Concert is Free but Free Will Donations are welcome!

Become friends to know about future tours: https://www.facebook.com/vitnet

Like us: Golden Gates: https://www.facebook.com/russiandance

The Secret To Georgian Grilled Meats? Grapevines And Lots Of Wine

Source: http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2013/07/15/202323158/the-secret-to-georgian-grilled-meats-grapevines-and-lots-of-wine

Listen to the Story

98fb35048ac7fd71b82369a30d9d7a9a Tucked between Russia and Turkey, the Republic of Georgia is renowned for great food: cheese dishes, pickles, breads and stews. This is a cuisine that you should not miss.

And on summer evenings in the capital, Tbilisi, the air is fragrant with the smells of one of Georgian cookery's highlights: grilled meat, or shashlik.

You can find good shashlik at restaurants with white tablecloths, but the very best in all Tbilisi is said to be at a roadside stop called Mtsvadi Tsalamze. It's an unassuming place with rows of wooden picnic tables in an open yard.

The grill is a brick hearth where Giorgi Kavelashvili follows the traditions of his native , the easternmost province of Georgia and the nation's wine country. Kavelashvili is 19, but he grills with absolute confidence because, he says, "In Kakheti, everyone knows how to make shashlik. So I studied it from my childhood."

One of the secrets, he says, is the wood.

Here, shashlik is grilled on burning grapevines. Kavelashvili demonstrates by hefting a big bundle of grapevines onto the hearth and setting it alight. The vines burn quickly, leaving a heap of finger-sized coals that he rakes into an even bed of fragrant heat.

"Georgians, and especially Kakhetians, know from very, very ancient old times that only [this] type of wood is much more better to make shashlik," explains Nani Chanishvili, my guide and translator. She's a linguist, a professor of the Georgian language and a connoisseur of Georgian food.

What the Georgians of ancient times discovered, she explains, is that the aromatic smoke and high heat from the vines seal in the juices of the meat.

Perhaps the best test of the griller's skill is how well he cooks kebabs made from finely minced meat, usually lamb, that's mixed with spices and squeezed by hand onto the skewer.

Good timing is everything because Kakhetian kebabs are cooked very close to the coals, and it's easy to overdo them.

Kavelashvili's kebabs pass the test perfectly: They are juicy and full of flavor from regional herbs, spices and sweet-smelling smoke. They come served with fresh, chewy Kakhetian bread and, of course, Georgian white wine.

Why white? As Chanishvili explains, Georgians like to drink a lot of wine when they speak — and "that means, only white wine, only white," she says, "because it is not possible to drink, for example, four, five, six, seven liters of red wine — then you will be dead. That's not right. But white [wine], yes, you can."

Chanishvili doesn't drink much herself, but she insists that her father could drink as many as 14 liters of white wine during a single feast. Then again, a real Georgian feast is an event that can go on for 12 hours.

According to Georgian tradition, that time should be spent enjoying food, making long and witty toasts, reciting verse and singing.

But be warned: Even 12 hours wouldn't be enough time to sample all of Georgia's delicacies, especially the best of the country's shashlik.

Unfortunately," says Chanishvili, "it's not possible to eat everything."

INVITATION To Licensed Agencies or Organizations Seeking License for Accreditation - Conference Call Regarding Universal Accreditation

INVITATION: COA explains how agencies can still become accredited by July 14, 2014, on two conference calls:  July 23rd and 26th, 2013. 

The topic of these conference calls is the Department’s July 17, 2013 announcement that if agencies meet certain application deadlines, COA plans to make a good faith effort to assist them in completing the ac­creditation process ahead of the July 14, 2014 deadline.

Background on universal accreditation:  On July 14, 2014, a new law goes into effect requiring all agencies and persons providing adoption services in Hague Convention and Orphan cases to be accredited, approved, super­vised or exempted under the Hague accreditation regulations.  The U.S. Department of State designated the Council on Accreditation (COA) as the entity responsible for accrediting/approving adoption service providers in intercountry adoption. 

The U.S. Department of State invites all adoption service providers that have not yet applied for accreditation or approval to participate in the conference calls. 

COA’s Jayne Schmidt, Hague Accreditation Program Manager, will explain the process of applying for accreditation or approval and will take questions.

Details of the Conference Calls
Date:  Tuesday, July 23rd
Time:  11 a.m., EST

Date:  Friday, July 26
Time: 11 a.m., EST

Dial in information                                           
1-888-363-4749  (in USA)
1-215-446-3662  (outside USA)
Passcode:  6276702#

For more information about the UAA, see the Department of State’s notice of January 15, 2014, The Universal Accreditation Act of 2012 becomes law and our FAQs on universal accreditation

Monday, July 22, 2013

Colombia Program Announcement, July 22, 2013

th Hopscotch Adoptions, Inc is pleased announce a pilot network Colombia program in partnership with Spence-Chapin! Spence-Chapin is one of very few agencies worldwide that has been accredited by the Colombian government to place Colombian children into permanent and loving families.  Hopscotch will be working exclusively with North Carolina families ready to develop a dossier, to be registered in Colombia’s re-structured and Hague compliant adoption program. 

Want to get started today?  You’ll want to click here to get your home study underway immediately.  Want to learn more about Spence-Chapin's Colombia placing program click here.

South Africa Program Announcement, July 22, 2013

th Hopscotch Adoptions, Inc is pleased announce a pilot network South Africa program in partnership with Spence-Chapin! Spence-Chapin is one of three agencies worldwide that has been accredited by the South Africa government to place South African children into permanent and loving families. Hopscotch will be working exclusively with North Carolina families ready to develop a dossier, to be registered in South Africa’s re-structured and Hague compliant adoption program. 
Want to get started today?  You’ll want to click here to get your home study underway immediately.  Want to learn more about Spence-Chapin's South Africa placing program click here.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Contact Your Senators by July 19 To Ask that the Adoption Tax Credit be Included in Tax Reform

ACTION ALERT

CONTACT YOUR SENATORS TO ASK THAT THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT BE INCLUDED IN TAX REFORM

e767972b6621fc880d0c83a680fa7de6Dear Friend & Adoption Supporter:

On June 27th Senators Baucus and Hatch circulated a Dear Colleague letter to Members of the United States Senate asking them for their participation in tax reform.  Members were informed that it is the Committee’s preference that the process start with a “blank slate” - eliminate all tax expenditures, both corporate and individual provisions.  They were also told that to be re-included in the tax code a provision or proposal had to: (1) help grow the economy, (2) make the tax code fairer, or (3) effectively promote other important policy objectives.   

In response to this, Senators are now preparing letters which include their priorities for tax reform.  These letters are due to the Finance Committee by July 26th. In order for your Senators to be able to incorporate your ask into their letters, we need you to reach out to them by July 19th.  The Executive Committee has prepared and distributed the attached letter to Members of Congress and asked for them to include the adoption tax credit on their list of priority measures.  We need you to do the same.

Action:

We are calling on you today to ask you to:

1. Email or send your Senator the attached sample template, personalized by you, asking them to demonstrate their support for the Adoption Tax Credit by including it in their list of priorities for tax reform and cosponsoring S. 1056.

2. Call your Senator and ask them to demonstrate their support for the Adoption Tax Credit by including it in their list of priorities for tax reform and cosponsoring S. 1056.

· For talking points on why the adoption tax credit meets the established standard for tax reform see the letter sent to Members by the Executive Committee (attached) and http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/script-for-july-2013/

· If you need to find your Senators go to: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm.

· Or call the Capitol Operator at 202-224-3121 and ask to be connected to his or her office. Then ask to speak to the legislative assistant that handles adoption or tax issues.

3. Forward this email to your contacts and other supporters and ask them to weigh in with their Member of Congress on the importance of the Adoption Tax Credit.

4. Reply to this email to let us know which Senators you have contacted.

Thank you for taking a few minutes to contact your legislators on this important issue!

With warm regards,

The Adoption Tax Credit Working Group’s Executive Committee:

American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, Adopt America Network, Christian Alliance for Orphans,

Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (Secretariat), Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption,

Donaldson Adoption Institute, Joint Council on International Children’s Services,

National Council For Adoption, North American Council on Adoptable Children,

RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, ShowHope, and Voice for Adoption.

http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/

https://www.facebook.com/AdoptionTaxCredit

When Waiting Hurts...

Worthy and Reposted from hopscotchadoptions.blogspot.com
By Robin E. Sizemore Executive Director of Hopscotch Adoptions, Inc.

Hopscotch dedicates this week to Evan Moses Haufler.  Hopscotch, family and friends are commemorating the passing of Evan Haufler two years ago this week. He was a precious child that brought so much joy to everyone he met.  Evan joined his family in Tbilisi, Georgia in July 2010 and then suddenly departed to be with his heavenly Father.  We hope Evan's life will motivate everyone responsible for children in care, to expedite a child's union to their family, in hopes of avoiding another preventable tragedy. His life is still being celebrated, but we imagine this world as such a sweeter place, if only Evan could have stayed a little longer.

Let this child's legacy be a reminder to parents, our own government and our future children's government to not wait, to do their very best to bring a child into a permanent biological or adoptive family as expediently as possible.  Evan's story reminds us to work for and demand change, because children cannot wait.  

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

So What Do You Look For? A List for Recognizing Trauma & Attachment Issues

Reposted from: http://traumamamat.blogspot.com/2013/04/so-what-do-you-look-for-list-for.html

Posted by Trauma Mama T

The following list of often-experienced behaviors of traumatized adopted children was developed by Dr. Arthur Becker Weidman, Ph.d.  He has studied attachment and complex trauma especially in children who were adopted after the age of 18 months.  If you are an adoptive parent and you can check off more than a few of the characteristics on this list, you may have a child with attachment and/or complex trauma issues.

1. My child acts cute or charms others to get others to do what my child wants.

2. My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contact with my child.

3. My child is overly friendly with strangers.

4. My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me.

5. My child argues for long periods of time, often about ridiculous things.

6. My child has a tremendous need to have control over everything, becoming very upset if things don't go my child's way.

7. My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't that bad when caught doing something wrong.

8. My child does very dangerous things, ignoring that my child may be hurt.

9. My child deliberately breaks or ruins things.

10. My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.

11. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.

12. My child seems unable to stop from doing things on impulse.

13. My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unusual or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.

14. My child demands things, instead of asking for them.

15. My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes and misbehavior (no matter what the consequence, the child continues the behavior).

16. My child tries to get sympathy from others by telling them that I abuse, don't feed, or don't provide the basic life necessities.

17. My child "shakes off" pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.

18. My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.

19. My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.

20. My child is very bossy with other children and adults.

21. My child hoards or sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw flour, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc. )

22. My child can't keep friends for more than a week.

23. My child throws temper tantrums that last for hours.

24. My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.

25. My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant band aids).

26. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.

27. My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could with even a little more effort.

28. My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire.

29. My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).

30. My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life.

31. My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life.

32. My child was adopted after the age of eighteen months.

My own children have exhibited most every one of the behaviors listed above, including #28.  (Yes, that was a scary, scary time.)  Depending upon which of my two traumatized children we’re talking about, they continue to exhibit many of these even after being home for nearly six years.  It is exhausting for all family members and most of all for the children affected by trauma and their mama. The behaviors that are most pervasive for my kids seem to be those that are also pervasive in other families with traumatized older adopted children.  Numbers 1-7 are pretty much a given, no matter what family I know.  Likewise, #15-19 dominate the life of many traumatized children/teens.  In fact, many of us parenting trauma have learned to EXPECT lies and demands and while we’ve learned to redirect our children, we are very weary from having to do so all the time.  Another behavior I have seen in nearly all the traumatized children/teens I know is #29.  My kids love blood, gore and violence.  They love dark stories with depraved characters, evil and black magic.  It doesn’t matter that these are things we avoid in our Christian home.  Even though they profess to be Christians themselves, they are still drawn like a moth to the flame.  It is NOT a spiritual deficiency.  It is how their brains have been wired by trauma.  It’s what makes them feel “normal” and not anxious.  Yet, it is also what makes them act out in big ways with big feelings.  They will sneak around to read books and view YouTube videos as well as watch movies we don’t allow whenever they get the chance.

Now, please understand, I am NOT saying that all adopted children exhibit all the behaviors listed.  Please remember, too, that I have parented four neuro-typical children prior to adopting my two from hurt backgrounds.  I know any child can exhibit any of these behaviors.  However, I also know neuro-typical (NT) kids don’t exhibit them on a regular basis, nor do they exhibit multiple behaviors at the same time on a regular basis.  This is NOT “normal” kid stuff.  (Most parents of traumatized kids that I know are especially tired of hearing from those not walking this road that it is.)

I am saying, however, that ALL children I know who were adopted after the age of 18 months or so do indeed deal with trauma.  They deal with attachment issues.  They may not have full-blown RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), but they struggle with attachment on some level due to trauma.  That may make a reader or two bristle, but I stick by my experience.  Getting adopted is traumatic and it does not happen without profound loss.
However, I am also not saying that adoption is a negative thing.  It is not!  It is wonderful and it is a blessing, even as it is a challenge.  I am saying you’d better make darned sure you are called to adopt before you do it.  It is HARD to knit a child to your heart who has experienced the loss that is involved in adoption.  Do not expect your child to love you back or be grateful for the time, love and things you give him or her.  Ask tough questions from people who live this life before you ever fill out an agency application.  Make sure those people are brutally honest with you.  Pray hard.  Learn more than the social workers require of you.  Read everything you can about trauma and attachment before you ever complete your home study.

If you're already an adoptive parent dealing with this kind of stuff and you need some connection with people who "get it”,  let me know.  I know some people and I have some resources to share with you.  If you're anyone else, thanks for reading!  If you want to know more because you want to help a family you care about, let me know that, too.  I also have some resources to share with you.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Contact Your Senators by July 19 To Ask that the Adoption Tax Credit be Included in Tax Reform

ACTION ALERT

CONTACT YOUR SENATORS TO ASK THAT THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT BE INCLUDED IN TAX REFORM

e767972b6621fc880d0c83a680fa7de6Dear Friend & Adoption Supporter:

On June 27th Senators Baucus and Hatch circulated a Dear Colleague letter to Members of the United States Senate asking them for their participation in tax reform.  Members were informed that it is the Committee’s preference that the process start with a “blank slate” - eliminate all tax expenditures, both corporate and individual provisions.  They were also told that to be re-included in the tax code a provision or proposal had to: (1) help grow the economy, (2) make the tax code fairer, or (3) effectively promote other important policy objectives.   

In response to this, Senators are now preparing letters which include their priorities for tax reform.  These letters are due to the Finance Committee by July 26th. In order for your Senators to be able to incorporate your ask into their letters, we need you to reach out to them by July 19th.  The Executive Committee has prepared and distributed the attached letter to Members of Congress and asked for them to include the adoption tax credit on their list of priority measures.  We need you to do the same.

Action:

We are calling on you today to ask you to:

1. Email or send your Senator the attached sample template, personalized by you, asking them to demonstrate their support for the Adoption Tax Credit by including it in their list of priorities for tax reform and cosponsoring S. 1056.

2. Call your Senator and ask them to demonstrate their support for the Adoption Tax Credit by including it in their list of priorities for tax reform and cosponsoring S. 1056.

· For talking points on why the adoption tax credit meets the established standard for tax reform see the letter sent to Members by the Executive Committee (attached) and http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/script-for-july-2013/

· If you need to find your Senators go to: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm.

· Or call the Capitol Operator at 202-224-3121 and ask to be connected to his or her office. Then ask to speak to the legislative assistant that handles adoption or tax issues.

3. Forward this email to your contacts and other supporters and ask them to weigh in with their Member of Congress on the importance of the Adoption Tax Credit.

4. Reply to this email to let us know which Senators you have contacted.

Thank you for taking a few minutes to contact your legislators on this important issue!

With warm regards,

The Adoption Tax Credit Working Group’s Executive Committee:

American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, Adopt America Network, Christian Alliance for Orphans,

Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (Secretariat), Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption,

Donaldson Adoption Institute, Joint Council on International Children’s Services,

National Council For Adoption, North American Council on Adoptable Children,

RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, ShowHope, and Voice for Adoption.

http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/

https://www.facebook.com/AdoptionTaxCredit

How to be a Rock Star Therapeutic Parent

Therapeutic Parenting For Everyone

Contributed by "TraumaMamaT" of the Trauma Mama T Blog (a great resource!)
Reposted from: http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=829

I've heard from several moms lately who think they have "failed" as a therapeutic parent because they're tired and they've reacted to one of their children's many, repeated over and over again behaviors.  There is such a pervasive culture among adoptive parents to be the perfect, non-reactive parent because this supposedly is what truly demonstrates unconditional love.  The ideas that were supposed to liberate parents and children to give them a new beginning and to create relationship have become an unbearable weight for too many tired moms who just cannot live the ideal perfect therapeutic parenting life they've perceived others must be living.  It breaks my heart and makes me angry all at the same time. 

Yep, I'm reacting!  Dang it all!  I'm reacting because I'm tired of seeing other moms feel like they don't measure up and that they'll never be like the portrayal of someone else's public self.

dc5c341e37def95533a290e4a8370f74 If I can get my wonderful fellow trauma mamas to understand one thing it would be this:  YOU ARE AWESOME!  You are doing a job few others can do.  Few people choose to do the job you're doing because it's freakin' HARD!  You are raising a hurt kid with problems and issues and mental and physical trauma that no kid should ever have to endure, and through which no parent should have to navigate. This life of living with trauma and attachment issues caused by another adult before we knew our children is HARD.  You are an amazing success!

I am tired of parents being led to believe they must become the image they have in their heads of "perfect therapeutic parents" like Heather Forbes or Christine Moers.  Granted, these are very nice ladies.  They are intelligent and charismatic.  They are obviously very capable mothers with lots of experience and lots to share.  But they are not perfect. Heather Forbes has had to navigate through tremendous personal loss.  Christine Moers may look like one, but she is no more a rock star than you and I are.  I believe both women would admit they react to their kids' behaviors sometimes, too.  I believe they would admit they do not always disengage.  They do not always feel loving warm fuzzies toward their hurt kids.  I'd bet there are even moments they wish their kids were "normal" and wonder what life would have been like if they hadn't adopted.  The difference between them and me, or them and you is they earn their livings by teaching the good stuff they've learned.  Did you hear that?  Teaching the good stuff they've learned is their BUSINESS.  That's why you see and read all the good stuff.  Yes, it is a business born of love and of wanting to help others, but they are business women.  Look beyond that and know they are also just moms: no better and no worse than you.  Heather and Christine and other business women like them are awesome.  But YOU are awesome, too!

As my kids get older, the more I realize they need to learn the world is not going to give a crap that they come from a hurt background.  If my kids pull the kind of stuff "out there" that they pull here sometimes, they're going to end up pretty lonely at best and in jail at worst.  People in the world are not going to put up with their reactions and triggers to trauma.  They need to use the tools they have (medication and behavior modification and therapy when it's appropriate) to navigate the world outside the doors of the home where their therapeutic mother lives.  If they treat someone like a jerk, they're going to get a reaction.  So here, at home, if I react sometimes – if I ENGAGE (oh, the horror!) – then THAT is therapeutic, too!  They are learning in the safest place possible how other people will deal with their crap.  The fact is, they won't.  Other people will withdraw relationship.  They'll yell back.  They might even press charges if things are really bad.  Know what?  So will mom.

What's different though is after the time that mom does engage and react, the kids can also learn that love restores.  Love repairs.  Love comes back together.  Respect is built over time.  Trust can be broken and when it is, it is not easily repaired.  It takes time.  Our kids need to learn how to do that, too

Now, please know I am not saying that it is USUALLY best not to engage a triggered kid.  In most cases, I think it probably is best to wait to process what's going on and to remain calm.  That way, when we do end up engaging, it is much more effective in stopping our kids in their tracks because they're EXPECTING us to be non-reactive.  It's almost like the old movies where the hysterical person is slapped in the face to snap them out of it.  The fact that we react sometimes is like a slap in the face to our kids.  It stops them in their tracks.

Later, we come back together and we process it.

As my kids get older, they are realizing I am a person, too.  I have emotions.  I have limits.  It doesn't make me a bad mom.  It makes me a human being: and human beings are what they need to deal with in this life.  They are learning their actions have consequences beyond losing privileges.  Consequences can mean hurt relationships.  It can even mean the loss of relationship.  Both kids have already experienced that consequence.  However, it doesn't mean they need to get into a cycle of poor behavior and relationship loss throughout their lives.

I remember going into a family therapy session a of couple years back, feeling like I was a failure.  I wasn't able to be non-reactive 100% of the time.  In fact, I came right out and told my kids they were behaving like spoiled, entitled 4-year-olds.  I said they were triggered and acting poorly.  I even yelled that I was a person too and I was sick of dealing with their crap!

Our therapist asked how I handled things after they'd escalated.  I told her the kids and I talked later when we were all calm and I explained I was a person with feelings, too.  I told them they could not treat me like they had and expect me to roll over and take it.  I reminded them they can expect respect when they also give respect and that relationships are a two-way street.  I told the therapist we said we were sorry to one another, and that the kids even meant it when they said it!  We repaired and restored the relationship.  It was therapeutic.

Therapeutic parenting means teaching our kids how to have healthy relationships.  Healthy relationships sometimes have conflicts, but they also restore and repair.  If we teach our kids how to do that, then WE are indeed rock star therapeutic parents.

Rock On!

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Contact Your Senators by July 19 To Ask that the Adoption Tax Credit be Included in Tax Reform

ACTION ALERT

CONTACT YOUR SENATORS TO ASK THAT THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT BE INCLUDED IN TAX REFORM

e767972b6621fc880d0c83a680fa7de6Dear Friend & Adoption Supporter:

On June 27th Senators Baucus and Hatch circulated a Dear Colleague letter to Members of the United States Senate asking them for their participation in tax reform.  Members were informed that it is the Committee’s preference that the process start with a “blank slate” - eliminate all tax expenditures, both corporate and individual provisions.  They were also told that to be re-included in the tax code a provision or proposal had to: (1) help grow the economy, (2) make the tax code fairer, or (3) effectively promote other important policy objectives.   

In response to this, Senators are now preparing letters which include their priorities for tax reform.  These letters are due to the Finance Committee by July 26th. In order for your Senators to be able to incorporate your ask into their letters, we need you to reach out to them by July 19th.  The Executive Committee has prepared and distributed the attached letter to Members of Congress and asked for them to include the adoption tax credit on their list of priority measures.  We need you to do the same.

Action:

We are calling on you today to ask you to:

1. Email or send your Senator the attached sample template, personalized by you, asking them to demonstrate their support for the Adoption Tax Credit by including it in their list of priorities for tax reform and cosponsoring S. 1056.

2. Call your Senator and ask them to demonstrate their support for the Adoption Tax Credit by including it in their list of priorities for tax reform and cosponsoring S. 1056.

· For talking points on why the adoption tax credit meets the established standard for tax reform see the letter sent to Members by the Executive Committee (attached) and http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/script-for-july-2013/

· If you need to find your Senators go to: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm.

· Or call the Capitol Operator at 202-224-3121 and ask to be connected to his or her office. Then ask to speak to the legislative assistant that handles adoption or tax issues.

3. Forward this email to your contacts and other supporters and ask them to weigh in with their Member of Congress on the importance of the Adoption Tax Credit.

4. Reply to this email to let us know which Senators you have contacted.

Thank you for taking a few minutes to contact your legislators on this important issue!

With warm regards,

The Adoption Tax Credit Working Group’s Executive Committee:

American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, Adopt America Network, Christian Alliance for Orphans,

Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (Secretariat), Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption,

Donaldson Adoption Institute, Joint Council on International Children’s Services,

National Council For Adoption, North American Council on Adoptable Children,

RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, ShowHope, and Voice for Adoption.

http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/

https://www.facebook.com/AdoptionTaxCredit

Quick! What Would You Take With You?

By Robin E. Sizemore, Executive Director of Hopscotch Adoptions, Inc
Photo Credit: Dwell With Dignity

th Recently friends were discussing the value of things seemingly without importance or worth, but conversely contain priceless memories and sentiment to the beholder.  Assuming your family members (including your pets!) were all safe and out of harm's way, what one thing would you not leave behind in the event of a disaster? 

My husband and I have often spoke of this and go over 'the plan' again and again.  We can't speak of impending doom without having to repeat it as if we need to indelibly mark this in our memory and commit to it as a team.  I think you may also know the answer if you are an adoptive family..... the box with photos and adoption documents!!!  Is there another answer???  Not in our family. 

You see, we are not foolishly keeping them in our home with every possible exposure to damage or loss, but we are forced to do so.  We've been waiting on a larger bank deposit box for years with no luck.  What do you have to do to score one of those?!?!?  Every few months we check in to see if there may possibly be an opening.  Alas, zip!

For now we have a supposedly 'fire-proof' box and just pray that we don't have cause to test it.  Until then, if your have has no 'priceless plan' in place.... get one and get it fast.  And while you are at it, tap the bank for the big box!    

Adopted Children & Discipline

Source: Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12 (Copyright © 2004 American Academy of Pediatrics)

9cf54f672064fd195873e189654b0194 Some parents are hesitant to discipline the child they have adopted. They may set fewer limits than they would for a birth child. They might react less strongly to misbehavior.

Learning to Discipine: A Parent's Responsibility
What are the reasons for these patterns of parental inaction? Some adoptive parents are afraid their youngster might stop loving them if they disciplined her. Or they may doubt their own right or ability to parent this child fully.

If that is your attitude, you are not fulfilling some of your parenting responsibilities. One of your tasks is to help your child grow and mature by disciplining her and helping her adjust to the limits you set. You need to look at the obstacles that may be preventing you from assuming this parental role, such as being fearful of losing her affection to a birth parent who is in close proximity.

Things to Keep in Mind
Keep in mind that even though you did not give birth to this boy or girl, he or she is your child. That means you have the right and the obligation to say, "It's time to go to bed now," or "No, you can't have your brother's toy right now." Your child's well-being depends on your willingness and ability to function as a full parent.

If your child ever says to you, "I don't have to mind you; you're not my real parents," respond with a statement like "We are your real parents. We just aren't your biological parents." A parent is someone who parents and who loves his or her child, and that is what you have been doing for years.

Click here to listen.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Shwarma In The Slow Cooker

by Amanda Mouttaki

See more at: http://marocmama.com/2012/12/slow-cooker-chicken-shwarma.html

clip_image002Shwarma in the slow cooker is delicious and won’t make you sweat all day tending the meat.

Ingredients

3-4 chicken breasts
1 tsp sumac
1 tsp each salt and pepper
1/2 tsp turmeric
1 1/2  Tbsp cumin
3 cloves garlic chopped finely
1 Tbsp ginger
1 tsp coriander
1/2 tsp cardamom
chili pepper (to taste, add more if you like heat, omit if you don’t)
juice of 1 lemon
1 Tbsp vegetable oil
water

clip_image002[1]

Directions

1. Trim chicken breasts of any excess fat.  Place in a bowl and add the sumac, salt and pepper garlic, turmeric, coriander, cumin, ginger, cardamom and chili pepper (optional).

2. In the bottom of your slow cooker add the vegetable oil and add the chicken.

3. Pour the lemon juice on top and add enough water to almost cover the chicken.

4. Cook on low heat for 4 hours, until the chicken is falling apart, keep on warm until just before serving

5. A few minutes before eating, transfer the chicken and liquid to a large pan.  Shred the chicken with forks, and turn the heat to high.

6. Watch the chicken as the liquid reduces.  You will want all of the liquid to be reduced, and the chicken to just slightly begin drying up.  At this point it’s done.

Serve the shwarma in warm pita bread (you can also try this fantastic recipe for gluten free wrap bread I found!) Condiments you may want to also include are Arabic garlic mayonaise, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and other mezze style dips.

Photo Credits: Amanda Mouttaki