Talking to Adopted Children About Birth Parents and Families of Origin: How to Answer the “Hard Questions” by Rhonda Jarema, MA

Source: http://www.adoptioncouncil.org/

By Rhonda Jarema

Introduction

Over the years, I’ve had a number of parents question me about what they should say to their child when that child asks about his or her biological parents. Adoptive families may have been provided with varying amounts of information, from an extensive background that includes APGAR scores to just a birthdate. Sometimes there is a vague family history, or the child might even have some memories of their birth family if placed as an older child. Most families have something in between: usually a very basic history of parental death, abandonment, voluntary placement, or removal from parental care. This leaves a hole that is often difficult for both child and parents, as they attempt to fill in the blanks from the past.

It is the responsibility of adoption professionals to try to guide the parents in this area. Adoptive parents often expect that professionals have some hidden store of information that was not provided with the referral, or that the information expanded while in the file and will provide the magical answers to their child’s questions. Sometimes parents become anxious when they receive questions from their child about their past prior to adoption. It is important for parents to give information appropriate to the child’s level of development; offering all the specifics at a young age may increase anxiety for all involved.

Just as it is important to share the information the parent has on the child’s family, so it is important not to fill in blanks when the answer really isn’t known. Sometimes the adoptive parent may not have any information, and the answer might be “I’m sorry, but I don’t know.” Another option would be to ask the child, “What do you think?” As a parent, these are not always easy discussions, but they are important to have.

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Talking to Adopted Children About Birth Parents and Families of Origin: How to Answer the Hard Questions

By: Rhonda Jarema

Over the years, I’ve had a number of parents question me about what they should say to their child when that child asks about his or her biological parents. Adoptive families may have been provided with varying amounts of information, from an extensive background that includes APGAR scores to just a birthdate. Sometimes there is a vague family history, or the child might even have some memories of their birth family if placed as an older child. Most families have something in between: usually a very basic history of parental death, abandonment, voluntary placement, or removal from parental care. This leaves a hole that is often difficult for both child and parents, as they attempt to fill in the blanks from the past.

It is the responsibility of adoption professionals to try to guide the parents in this area. Adoptive parents often expect that professionals have some hidden store of information that was not provided with the referral, or that the information expanded while in the file and will provide the magical answers to their child’s questions. Sometimes parents become anxious when they receive questions from their child about their past prior to adoption. It is important for parents to give information appropriate to the child’s level of development; offering all the specifics at a young age may increase anxiety for all involved.

Just as it is important to share the information the parent has on the child’s family, so it is important not to fill in blanks when the answer really isn’t known. Sometimes the adoptive parent may not have any information, and the answer might be “I’m sorry, but I don’t know.” Another option would be to ask the child, “What do you think?” As a parent, these are not always easy discussions, but they are important to have.

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NY State Access to Birth Records Status and Directory

NEW YORK

For current advocacy activities in New York contact: Joyce Bahr or go to www.unsealedinitiative.org

CURRENT LAW:  Passive registry. Adult adoptees (18) and birth parents can register with the Adoption Information Registry to receive identifying information.  When a match is confirmed, registry will notify the parties and the court where the adoption occurred to request each registrant’s “final consent” to the release of information.  Upon receipt of the final consent, information is released.

The original birth certificate is available only upon order of the court.

http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/state.php

American Adoption Congress supports state-by-state legislative efforts to obtain access for adult adoptees to their original birth certificates. AAC prefers unrestricted access to this document for all adult adoptees but will accept compromise legislation if, in the opinion of AAC and local supporters, such a compromise is necessary to obtain the greatest access for the greatest number of adopted persons.

Talking to Your Teen About Being Adopted

Source: Caring for Your Teenager (Copyright © 2003 American Academy of Pediatrics)
Between the ages of seven and twelve, many adopted children develop an increasing curiosity about their background and how they came to be adopted. During adolescence, that interest often intensifies. Teenagers sculpt their self-identity largely through studying their parents and siblings. In what ways am I like them? they ask themselves. How am I different? Adopted teens may not know this information about their birth parents, and this void can add to their usual adolescent struggles.
Who Am I? They are particularly fascinated with their birth parents’ physical appearance, as well as many other details that might help them answer the question “Who am I?” But being typically guarded teens, they may not come right out and ask their adoptive parents these and other questions.
Sparing Hurt Feelings They may also want to avoid hurting your feelings by being interested. It is hoped you began this ongoing dialogue with your adopted child when she was first old enough to understand (usually between the ages of two and four). The longer parents wait to discuss adoption with their youngster, the harder it will be.
Coping Styles: Healthy & Unhealthy The majority of adopted youngsters deal well with the uncertainty of not knowing their biological origin.
Other kids, though, may react in one of three unhealthy ways.

• The exceptionally obedient child worries that if her biological parents could abandon her, who’s to say that her adoptive mother and father won’t eventually do the same? She hopes to prevent that through dutiful behavior.
• That same fear may prompt another child to misbehave, as a way of testing her adoptive parents’ love.
• The third pattern also involves acting out, but for a different reason. This teen assumes an antisocial role as a sort of birthright, based on his fantasy of what his birth parents might be like. It may be a negative identity, but it’s an identity.

Searching for Biological Parents Many adopted youngsters may muse aloud about searching for their biological mother and father. Few, though, will act on this impulse. If your teenager expresses a desire to track down her natural mother and father, don’t misconstrue this as a rejection of you. Certainly you can appreciate why she might feel compelled to find them. If your teen doesn’t bring up the subject on her own, it can be helpful to parents to initiate the discussion. This sends the message that you understand, and are willing to help her work through her feelings.
Confidentiality Considerations Unfortunately, that is far easier said than done, unless the child was placed through open adoption, in which the birth parents and the adoptive parents are in contact with one another during the adoption process and perhaps even beyond. Many adoptions, however, are confidential. Some states do not allow adoptees to see their original birth certificate containing the names of their biological mother and father. Most states now maintain consult registries, which allow transfer of identifying information if both birth parents and adoptee consent, or allow adoptees full access to birth records outright. Adoptees from other countries may have a more difficult time in this regard.
Adoptees’ Liberty Movement Association (ALMA) A private organization called Adoptees’ Liberty Movement Association (ALMA) maintains an international Reunion Registry Data Bank. The computer links vital statistics of adoptees and natural parents who wish to get in touch. Frequently, the adopted youngster may know little more than his date of birth and place of birth, but that alone can be enough to make a match. ALMA was founded in 1971 by a woman who spent twenty years before she located her biological mother and father. In its first twenty-five years, the organization reunited more than one hundred thousand families separated by adoption.
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Adopting A Child (Audio)

Source: A Minute for Kids

Parents looking to adopt can choose from domestic adoption (either open or closed) or international adoption (which is almost always closed). Studies show that adopted children are more likely to grow up well-adjusted and confident if they have been given age-appropriate information about their birth parents.

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On Being a Real Mom

Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

‘’Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.’Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘

When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.

‘’Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?

‘’It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

~Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

On March 22, 2012, I stood before a judge, with Big Papa by my side, in Gyumri, Armenia as we agreed to care for an 11-month-old baby for the rest of our lives. Once the papers were signed, I announced to the world: I’m a Mom!

Legally, I was. But many months passed before I felt I could say:  I’m a real mom.

References to real moms can be the source of great angst for many adoptive parents, when faced with (generally well-meaning) family or friends who ask: Do you know anything about her real mom?

We are fortunate that we have some  information about Baby Bird’s birth family and know the reason why she was placed for adoption. This is not true for many adoptees, particularly those who were adopted from countries outside the U.S. Our daughter will grow up knowing names of her birth parents and where they were from, and we will do our best to explain to her the circumstances which resulted in her birth family being unable raise her.

I will never forget how I felt when Big Papa and I tucked ourselves into the taxi with Baby Bird and headed south, from Gyumri to Yerevan: Oh-my-God-we-are-parents …and we are clueless. And I remember our deer-in-the-headlights fear when Baby Bird screamed at the top of her lungs while we changed our first diaper, and when we gave her a bath for the first time.

I’m sure many first-time parents experience these feelings and wonder: How are we going to do this? Am I going to be able to keep this baby alive?

We had many more unanswered questions: Will our child bond with us? Will we bond with her? What challenges might we encounter that resulted from our child being institutionalized? Did our child spend the first months of her life faced with neglect, abuse, poor nutrition? Did her birth-mother smoke, drink, do drugs? How will we form our new family and honor our child’s culture while creating new traditions to share?

Now, a year later, we have a few answers to some of our questions and—no surprise here—we now have many new unanswered questions. Ah, parenthood.

I’ll be honest, our first year together has not been easy (not that anyone’s first year of parenthood ever is), but as Big Papa said to me: We are doing it. However imperfectly we muddle along, we are doing it.

So when someone asks me: Do you know anything about her real mom, I will say: Yes, I do. I see her every morning when I look in the mirror.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there

—-no matter how you got there.

Take the road less traveled,

Beth

Source: http://wanderlustandlipstick.com/

20 Questions Kids Ask About Adoption

by AF Editors | adoptivefamilies.com

Your child has questions about babies, birthmothers, and the way he joined your family. Now, you have the answers.

Children ask questions to figure out the world. If a child's family was formed by adoption, much of her curiosity will center on birthmothers, babies, and the reasons adoption plans are made. We've compiled 20 of the most frequently asked questions, from the preschooler's "Did I grow in your tummy?" to the more complex queries preteens and teens may voice, along with sound responses suggested by experts and other parents over the years. As you talk to your child, adapt the sample language to fit your family's circumstances. Let the Q&A session begin!

1. "Did I grow in your tummy?"

"No, you didn't grow in my tummy. You grew in your birthmother's tummy, and then you were born. When your birthmother and birthfather were expecting you, they knew that they couldn't take care of any baby at that time. Your birthmother found us, and we became your parents. I'm so happy that we are! That is called adoption."

Although very young children can't yet understand reproduction, it's important to introduce the birthfather from your earliest conversations. Your child also needs to understand that she was born, just like any other baby. Some parents skip that step, saying, "No, you didn't grow in my tummy. We adopted you!" This leads the child to believe "I wasn't born, I was adopted."

2. "Why didn't my birthparents keep me?"

"Sometimes when a man and a woman have a baby, they cannot take care of any child at that time. It's never because of anything wrong about the child. It's for grownup reasons. Babies need a lot of care, day and night. They need healthy food, a warm place to sleep, to be cared for when they're sick, and to have grownups hold them when they cry. Your birthparents knew they couldn’t provide all of these things, so they looked for a family that could."

3. "Was my birthmommy sad?"

"Your birthmother was sad to say goodbye, but she knew she couldn't take care of you and provide all the things babies need. She was happy that she was doing her best for you by finding our family to adopt you. She had both sad and happy tears."

Hearing directly from their birthparents can help children. If you don't remain in contact but were with your child's birthmother at the hospital or court, tell your child what she said. If you have a letter your child's birthmother wrote, share it with him.

An Adoption Game Show

"The other night, I was on a game show. It took place in my daughter's bed, during my children's bedtime. I was the only contestant, and I had to respond to rapid-fire questions from the three hosts. Luckily, there were no wrong answers, as every time I answered a question, one of the hosts (who were also the audience members) cheered, 'Yes!'"
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4. "I wish I had grown in your tummy."

"You sound sad about that. That's OK. Sometimes I wish you had grown in my tummy, too, but I feel as close to you as if you had. I love you so much."

Don't be alarmed if your child displays sadness when she first begins to process adoption. In the preschool years, children want nothing more than to be as close as possible to their mothers. Some sadness, or even anger, is a normal reaction, and a way for a very young child to express her love for you, the mother she knows and loves.

5. "Why did you adopt me?"

"Daddy and I couldn't make a baby, but we wanted a baby to love very much. You were born from your birthmother's tummy, but she couldn't take care of any baby at that time. You were ready for a mommy and daddy, and we were ready for you. So we adopted you and became a forever family."

6. "How do birthmommies make babies?"

"It takes a man and a woman to make a baby. Your birthfather's sperm and your birthmother's egg combined inside her uterus to form an embryo. The embryo grows inside the woman, who then gives birth to the baby. You were born the same way any other baby is born. Some babies always live with the people who give birth to them, like your friend, _____, but others go to new parents, like you. That's called adoption."

7. "What happened the day I was born?"

"When your birthmother knew it was almost time for you to be born, she called us and we rushed to the hospital. We got there in time to be in the delivery room! We watched you being born and we held you as soon as the doctor delivered you. Your birthmother held you and said you were beautiful. You were always with us, your birthmother, or a nurse when you were in the hospital; you were never alone there."

If you have a photo from that day, show it to your child. Say something like "Here you are with Ellen on the day you were born." If you don't have any information about your child's birth, you can explain what conditions were probably like where he was born.

8. "Was I a bad baby? Did I cry too much?"

"No. All babies are supposed to cry. That's how they tell us that they're hungry or tired or need to be changed. And adoption is never the child's fault. Adoption plans are made for grownup reasons, usually because the baby's birthparents can't take care of the baby and provide what he or she needs."

9. "What does my birthmother look like?"

If you have a picture, show it to your child. If you don't, but have met her, describe what she looked like. If you don’t know, you can say, "She probably looks a lot like you, so she must be very beautiful." Together, imagine what she might look like, or invite your child to draw a picture.

10. "I wish I could ask my birthmother _____."

"I'm going to write a letter to your birthmother next week. Do you want me to include that question, or do you want to write your own letter to send with mine?" [Or, if you’re not in touch with your child's birthmother] "Why don't you write to your birthmother and ask her that question, and any others on your mind? We can send the letter to your adoption agency. They may not know where she is, so she may not get the letter, but if they do know where she is, I'm sure she’d be glad to hear from you."

11. "Maybe my birthmother was a princess."

"That's exciting to imagine, isn't it? But there aren't many princesses in North Dakota, so I think she's probably like most people, working hard at a job."

Many children, not just those who were adopted, fantasize about an alternate set of "perfect" parents. Encourage your child to talk about these fantasies, but present the concrete information you have about her birthparents.

12. "Why is my skin brown and your skin pink?"

"You were born to birthparents [or to a woman] who have the same beautiful brown skin color as yours. I was born to Grandma and Grandpa, who have the same skin color as mine. We usually inherit our skin color, hair color, and other traits from our biological parents. That's why we look the way we do."

Rather than try to smooth over differences and strike a color-blind attitude, acknowledge the differences within your family, and let your child know that you love the way she looks.

13. "Why couldn't someone teach my birthmommy how to be a mommy?"

"Some women are not ready to be mommies, and they want their child to be with another mommy who is ready. Your birthmommy was wise enough to know that she was not ready to be a mom, so she made the decision to have someone else raise you."

14. "If you were my birthmother, would you have kept me?"

"Wow, that is a big question.... Your birthmom had to make a very difficult decision that I will never have to make. You are my son and we are a family, and nothing will ever change that."

15. "Do I have any brothers or sisters?"

"You have birth siblings. When you were born, your birthmother had two older boys. Those boys were in school and could take care of some things for themselves, but a baby needs much more care. Your birthmom knew she couldn't care for a baby at that time in her life, so she made a plan to find a family who would be able to take care of you forever." If you don't know, say so: "I don't know, but you might have birth siblings. Many birthparents have other children, born either before or after making an adoption plan."

16. "Now that Ellen is married, will I go back to live with her?"

"No. I know that, when we’ve talked about adoption before, I said that Ellen made an adoption plan for you because she was young and didn't have anyone to help her take care of a baby. But when we adopted you, we became your family forever. Dad and I will always be your parents, even when you're a grownup."

You might show your child her adoption decree or a photo taken the day her adoption was finalized in court.

17. "Why is Ellen going to be this baby's mommy but not mine?"

"It must hurt to think about your birthmom raising other children. Sometimes families go through hard times. It wasn't anything you did wrong. When you were born, Ellen didn't have anyone to help her and couldn't take care of you. You couldn't wait until later. You needed a safe family to help you grow up. Now Ellen is able to be this baby's mommy." [Or, if your child has older birth siblings] "When you were born, Ellen was just able to provide for her other children, but she knew that there wasn't enough food for one more baby. She wanted you to have a forever family to take good care of you."

18. "Why won't this baby be my baby sister?" [If an adoption match falls through]

"In order for a family to adopt a baby, the birthmother has to decide that she isn't able or ready to be a mommy. Your birthmother felt that way, and that's why we adopted you and we're your forever family. This baby’s mother decided that she was ready to be a mommy, so the baby doesn't need to be adopted. We will wait for another baby to be your baby brother or sister."

19. "Did my birthparents love each other?"

"From what I understand, your birthparents were young and just beginning to explore relationships with the opposite sex. Sometimes young people become physically intimate when they're really seeking emotional closeness. I don't think they were involved long enough to develop that kind of closeness."

20. "My real mom would let me stay out past midnight!"

"Right now, we're not talking about my being 'real' or 'unreal,' we're talking about the fact that we're not going to make your curfew any later. We can talk about my reality as a parent another time."

A day or two later, you can say, "Remember when you were upset about your curfew the other day? I know you were angry with me when you implied that I'm not your 'real' mother. Now that we've calmed down, I am wondering if there's a question you'd like to ask me about your birthparents, or something you want to talk about. I know you think about them. What can I help you with?"

THE "HOW" OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS

The way you respond to your child's questions can matter as much, or more, than the words you use, especially for younger children. Start talking from an early age, to get used to saying words like "adopted" and "birthmother." Here are 10 guidelines for answering adoption questions.

+ Strike the right tone. Keep your voice positive and your body relaxed. You want to let your child know that adoption is a comfortable topic for you to discuss, and that you're happy about the way you became a family.

+ Play! This may be the easiest way for younger children to work out their feelings about adoption. Use dolls or other props. You can introduce a scenario (Barbie and Ken want to adopt a baby, a stuffed rabbit needs a mommy), but then follow your child's lead.

+ Clarify exactly what your child is asking. His questions may be simpler, or more complicated, than you think, and you want to be sure you're giving him the information that he seeks. A young child who asks, "Where did I come from?" may want to know where he was born, want to know how babies are made, or be curious about his birthparents.

+ Give yourself a chance to think. If you need a moment, repeat what your child asked. If you are still at a loss, it is OK to say, "That's a good question. I need to think about that a little bit. Let's talk about it after we get home, when I'm not driving the car."

+ Admit it when you don't have the facts. If you know little or nothing about how your child became available for adoption, you can say something like "We do know that many birthmothers have to place their children for adoption for the following reasons. [Offer reasons.] Maybe this is what happened to you."

+ Give your child your full attention--or not. If you're in the grocery store, move your cart to the side, get down to your child's level, and make eye contact. As children grow older, some have an easier time opening up when eye contact is not necessary. "Parallel" conversations--when you"re driving in the car, walking the dog, cooking together in the kitchen--can be productive times to talk about birthparents.

+ Be prepared to move on. Even the most intense questions children ask usually involve conversations that last less than 10 minutes (though they may seem longer at the time). When your child shows signs of moving on to a new task or new topic, let that happen.

+ Revisit the conversation. Children will ask the same question, in different forms, many times over the years. If you think of something important after the fact, you can say, "Remember when you asked _____? I thought about that a little more, and I wanted to tell you...."

+ Keep the discussion age-appropriate, but never lie. Since young children don't understand reproduction, telling them about unplanned pregnancy or rape won't make much sense. Reveal details as your child's understanding develops, but don’t say anything you'll have to later contradict. Keep in mind, however, that it's generally best to share all the information you know before the teen years, while your child will take it all matter-of-factly.

+ Drop a "pebble." If your child hasn't asked any questions recently, try to casually start a conversation. You might say, "I often think of your birthmother on Mother's Day; do you?" or "What do you think your birthfather looks like? I wonder if you got your long legs from him." A rule of thumb: If you can't remember the last time you talked about adoption, you're due for a talk.