Panel of Parents Adopting Older Kids: Surviving that 1st Year – Creating a Family

Source: https://creatingafamily.org/

Adopting and fostering older kids is hard for both the child and the parent, especially the first year. A panel of moms who have adopted older kids share their tips for surviving the first year home. Host Dawn Davenport, Executive Director of Creating a Family, the national infertility & adoption education and support nonprofit, interviews Melissa Basham, mom to 4 boys adopted from foster care; Abigail Betancourt, mom to 2 kids adopted from foster care; Jan Egozi, mom to one child adopted internationally; and Shelley McMullen, mom to 1 child adopted internationally.

Listen to podcast.

Source: https://creatingafamily.org
By Dawn Davenport

Parenthood is stressful. We love the little darlings, but they can put a major strain on the marriage. This is especially true if our child has special challenges from being exposed to alcohol or drugs during pregnancy or was adopted at an older age and carries the baggage of abuse and neglect. What’s the trick to staying happily married when adopting or fostering children from hard places.

An all too typical pattern in adoption (and in marriage in general) is for one parent to take the lead in becoming educated about adoption, the challenges, and the type of parenting these children respond to best. Often this same parent has been the “pusher” or “moving force” behind the adoption. Often this parent is the mother. This doesn’t bode well when the challenges of adopting or fostering hit.

It’s not helpful at this point to say that the non-educated, non-pusher parent (usually the father) needs to have been educated and supported before you reach this point. That ship has already sailed. So what to do when you feel your marriage fraying under the pressure of adopting or fostering a child that has experienced trauma?

I asked this question to Dr. Karyn Purvis, author of The Connected Child, and the founder and Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development on a Creating a Family Radio show about Raising and Healing Abused and Neglected Kids. In typical Dr. Purvis fashion she had some very specific and practical advice, with a few comments of my own thrown in for good measure.

Tips For Staying Happily Married When Adopting/Fostering

1. Make time for each other. It is crucial to nurture your marriage while parenting. Nurturance takes time and it takes intention. You must schedule time to be with your spouse as a spouse, rather than as a parent discussing the kids, the house, life’s problems. I believe a weekly “Date Night” may just have saved my marriage. It doesn’t have to be at night and it doesn’t have to cost money, but it does have to happen. Find time to do an activity you both enjoy and make a point to schedule time to do it on a regular basis. Dr. Purvis suggested taking a walk together regularly. Bottom line: find a way to have fun together again.
   
   
2. Model what works. Rather than telling your partner how to do things, show him. If it works to improve your child’s behavior and lower his anxiety, your spouse will see it. Sometimes our words get in the way.
   
   
3. Who should educate? You do have to talk about the kids, but often the not-as-involved parent feels ambushed by these conversations which are full of what needs to be done or how he isn’t doing things right. Is it possible that someone other than you would be better at helping to educate your spouse? Would he attend your child’s therapy session and hear from the therapist what works best? Would he listen to the many Creating a Family radio show/podcasts on parenting children who have been abused and neglected during his commute to work or while he works out?
   
   
4. Double up on self-care. Parenting is hard work, and worrying about your marriage is even harder. You are under a lot of stress and stress makes many (all?) of us difficult to live with. You owe it to yourself and to your marriage to take care of yourself. What you need is individual to you, but for most of us includes regular exercise, enough sleep, and something to look forward to each day—a good book and time to read, a trip to Starbucks by yourself, an occasional massage, a small tub of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, or a night out with your friends.
   
   
5. Show some compassion. The biology of most mothers leads them to want to nurture their children and figure out how to meet their children’s needs. The biology of most fathers leads them to want to protect their family. The continual chaos that can happen when adopting or fostering a child who is struggling with the aftermath of abuse and neglect makes many dads feel powerless. Powerless is a lousy place to be, and many fathers just give up. Understanding the reasons why, goes a long way to lowering your frustration. [I struggled with the gender stereotyping in this piece of Dr. Purvis’s advice, but I have to admit that it rings true.]

VanHalle Family Fundraiser to Support Two Waiting Armenian Children!

The VanHalle Family is hosting a fundraiser to support the future adoption of two wonderful waiting children in Armenia.  You can help grow their sponsorship accounts and show your support with a t-shirt purchase.  Proceeds will be donated to each of their sponsorship accounts on Reece’s Rainbow. 

Hopscotch + Arbonne + You = Special Needs Grant!

September 9-30, 2015

ARBONNE Is Supporting Hopscotch Adoptions'

Special Needs Grant Fund

For a limited time, Sandie Buscarino, a former Hopscotch Adoptions client, is sponsoring a fundraiser to benefit Hopscotch Adoptions Special Needs Grants.   These grants help offset expenses related to the adoption of children with non-correctable needs.   Sandie is an adoptive parent of an Armenian angel (ok, he's a little boy so only 90% angel!) who had a correctable special need (cleft lip/palate).  Sandie understands the emotional and financial obstacles adoptive parents face when considering adopting a child with special needs.  These children often become Waiting Children and Hopscotch is devoted to doing all they can to assist parents in finding them their forever families.  

Sandie shared "As a way of thanking them for helping us navigate a long and winding journey to complete our family, Sandie has pledged to donate 75% of the proceeds of Arbonne sales placed through 9/30/15 to Hopscotch Adoptions' Special Needs Grants."

If you are not familiar with Arbonne, Sandie would like you to know "Arbonne is a botanically based, environmentally friendly products line of skincare, makeup and nutrition, to nurture your body inside and out.  Arbonne products are formulated to be highly effective, without harmful chemicals or artificial ingredients."

Taking care of yourself, helps waiting children into permanent families that otherwise would not have a family.

Sincerely,
Robin E. Sizemore, Executive Director
Hopscotch Adoptions, Inc

Sandie Buscarino
Arbonne Independent Consultant, ID: 14586263
Cell (631) 816-5813

Visit sandiebuscarino.arbonne.com to see what Arbonne is all about.  Be sure to check out her holiday items that are only available while supplies last.  She can provide samples of some products if you request, and answer any questions you may have.  You also have the opportunity to join as a preferred client of Sandie and save 20% off all products for one year! Just include "HS" after your last name so that the Hopscotch Adoptions gets the credit.

Offer Expires: September 30, 2015

AdoptTogether

If you have not started your AdoptTogether account yet, fix that too. 

Click here to see the video and read more.

Winning Over Reluctant Family to Your Adoption Plans

Source: http://www.creatingafamily.org/blog/httpwwwcreatingafamilycomblogadoption-domestic-international-embryo-fostercarewinning-over-reluctant-family-to-your-adoption-plans/

Thanks Dawn Davenport @ Creating A Family

After deciding that adoption is the right choice for building your family, you naturally want everyone to be as excited as you.  Unfortunately, this may not happen.  While you are at the screaming it from the roof top stage, your parents, siblings and extended family may be at the “Slow down and consider your options” stage or the “Are you nuts” stage.  Remember that your decision to adopt evolved over time after much researching, soul searching, discussing, and praying.  Unless you’ve shared every step of this journey with them, your family has not had the benefit of this process.  So while it might be nice if they were totally psyched about your adoption, it’s probably unfair to expect them to be at the same place as you.

So what do you do if your family doesn’t share your excitement about your adoption plans?  First, if you think you may get a less than enthusiastic response, consider writing your family a letter telling them of your decision before you talk with them in person.  We chose this approach with my husband’s parents.  They like to think about things and discuss it between themselves before talking with others, so a letter gave them this opportunity.  Also, a letter allowed us to explain our reasons, and set the stage for their response by telling them how excited we were.

If you tell them in person, think about what you want to say and choose your words carefully.  One friend reported that she started the conversation with “I’ve got great news!”  Her parents assumed she was going to tell them she was pregnant, and their initial response at learning of the adoption was less than she had hoped.  They recouped quickly, however, and are now doting grandparents to her two children.

Read more.

All American Girl with an Armenian Heart and Soul

"I Was a Waiting Child"

Re-defining 'special needs' and worthy of a second look! Let's help more waiting children become cherished children.  You just may find your child was waiting for you all along.

Oh The Places We Will Go...!!!