Courage in the Adoption Waiting Game

By Craig Juntunen

huffingtonpost.com | May 1, 2012

"It was probably the closest thing we'll ever have to giving birth."

After months of paperwork, interviews, emails and endless anticipation, the magical moment for Lori LeRoy and her husband Nick had finally arrived. Lori and Nick received arguably the most important piece of mail of their lifetimes. It was an adoption referral on their soon-to-be son, Nate, a Vietnamese boy who was given up by his sick and impoverished mother when he was two days old. They received a photo of Nate and an instant love flowered.

For any parent, the first moment you see your child is indescribable. I will never forget the feeling I had when I saw my three adopted children from Haiti for the first time. I was no longer a man who had no interest in being a father. My place in the world was with these kids, and my role was to love and protect them regardless of what happened.

Today, courage and strength have replaced love and desire as the most important characteristics for people who take on the international adoption process. Unfortunately for many prospective parents, including the LeRoys, the expected 18- to 24-month adoption process has turned into a maddening and unnecessary four or five year ordeal. Every day they wait, their son or daughter loses another critical day of physical and social development.

Despite the best intentions of those committed to international adoption, the debilitating process has taken adoption off the table as an option for orphans worldwide. In situations where children already start a step behind, don't they deserve as many options as possible? We've reached a critical point in time where a national conversation must start about doing better for these kids.

In 2011, more than 9,300 children were adopted from overseas by Americans. That's a steep drop from 2004, when close to 23,000 children were adopted by Americans. That astounding decline over seven years is the result of several factors outside the control of families trying to provide children with a safe, loving home.

A closer look at the nearly four-year process that the LeRoys endured to bring Nate home is instructive. In 2008, the U.S. raised red flags about alleged fraud in Vietnam's adoption process. Alarmed, and frankly offended, by these largely unsubstantiated claims, Vietnam decided to shut down adoptions to the U.S., stalling cases that were already in motion and extending the adoption process for the LeRoys and others. While the politics played out, Nate waited an extra two years in an institution before arriving at his new home in the U.S.

What is more concerning is that we've seen similar situations play out with other countries, including Cambodia and Ethiopia. The U.S. government preaches compliance with the Hague Convention, the international treaty that establishes practice standards for international adoptions, as the magic bullet solution. No one doubts that safeguards and protections in the process are important; however, years pass as countries implement reform measures, leaving children to languish in institutions for that much longer.

We have to wonder if our policies align with acting in the best interests of these children. As a world leader, the U.S. has a vital role to play in ensuring that international standards are being met, but in doing so, we must maintain an open dialogue and take a proactive approach to working with countries to develop the appropriate programs and policies that foster safe, ethical and efficient adoptions. Ultimately, we have to strike a balance of maintaining safeguards, but also ensuring that we're moving forward expeditiously.

We have recently seen the benefits of the U.S. working in partnership with another country to build child welfare capacities. Guatemala, previously known as one of the worst actors in international adoption due to corruption and fraud, has made great strides during the last two years to develop a system that serves its citizens and provides options for children in need. Guatemalan officials have committed to moving forward 300 adoption cases that have been stalled for years. A culture of adoption is also being cultivated at the grassroots level. There is a long way for Guatemala to go, but we're seeing what can happen when two countries make a commitment to doing what's necessary -- and right -- for orphans.

There will always be many highs and lows in the international adoption process. But the staggering decline in international adoptions from the U.S. indicates that something is not working here. We must realize the promise in international adoption, just like the LeRoys and thousands of families across the country have done. The question becomes: why aren't we doing more to make international adoption a less problematic option for children in need of a home and families with room in their hearts?

What is Referral Counseling?

Once you receive your ”official” referral by the sending country you are working with (and occasionally upon your “unofficial” referral prior to that), you will get a short, descriptive report on the child that is being referred to you.  This is the referral information you will use to decide if this child is the right one for your family…and your family is the right one for the child.  Since many of the Hopscotch families are not local to the Hopscotch office, most of the referral counseling will be via telephone or email rather than face to face.  Generally, you have about two weeks to decide on an “official” referral, if you even need that long.

Sometimes the country will send several kinds of reports and observations, perhaps with photos and maybe even a video (rare but possible.)  No country, program or individual case is ever alike and reports can be as different as fingerprints.  Information varies from country to country and case to case and can be limited due to differences in medical terminology or evaluation standards.  In some instances, there is no report until the family travels to meet their potential referral.  That is why it is very important to take this into consideration when choosing a country program that is right for your family.

At Hopscotch, we will always do our best to obtain as much information as we can about your referral so that your decision to accept or decline can be as informed as possible.  When certain information or testing is just not available, we will tell you that too.  Hopscotch will also try to interpret the formal language of the referral into every day, practical language so that you can get a sense of what this information might possibly mean to the child and to your family, now and in the years to come.  However, you should always seek professional medical resources for the definitive interpretation of the information provided to you by the sending country.  This is where referral counseling comes into play.

We strongly encourage families to contract with an International Adoption Medical Specialist about the referral information, if it is provided in advance.  If referral information is insufficient, or simply not available due to country restrictions, it is especially important to establish a contractual relationship with the IA Specialist prior to traveling to meet your referral.  This will enable your IA Specialist to assist you in evaluating your referral while you are in country and before you officially commit to the child.

As stated before, Hopscotch will do everything we can to obtain as much information as possible on your referral to help with your questions, but we are always at the mercy of the sending country who may or may not be able to provide that additional information.  Whenever possible, we will try to connect you to other Hopscotch families who have adopted children with similar information to the child you are considering.

Every so often, the situation arises where a more immediate decision is required.  You are never pressured to accept a referral of a child if you are not comfortable with the child or the time frame.  It is okay to say you choose to pass if there is not enough time or information to make a decision.  A lot of families have anxieties or questions but still decide to take a “leap of faith” in accepting or declining a referral.  There are no penalties for turning down a referral for appropriate reasons but, just like the timeframe to the first referral, the timeframe to another referral cannot be accurately predicted.

In an international adoption, a family has to be comfortable saying “no.”  If you are uneasy about receiving limited to no referral medical information then international adoption may not be the right direction for your family.  Hopscotch respects the laws and stipulations of every sending country but we also respect the enormity of the decision you are about to make.

Even when a family knows right away that this is the child for them they usually still have a lot of questions.  Hopscotch will be available to you throughout your adoption journey.  Even after the formal adoption of your child in the child’s country, Hopscotch will continue to be available to you.

After you finalize your adoption in country you will transition to post-adoption or post-placement counseling.  Your home study worker, who is usually the one who will be completing the post-placement reports, will make a minimum of two at-home visits with you.  Be honest in your family needs and any concerns you may have.  Without your frank participation both during and after your adoption, Hopscotch cannot be the valuable resource your family may need.

I hope this gives you a broad outline of what is involved in referral counseling.  If you have additional questions or concerns, please let us know.  We are here to help.